Jessica Ariel (liret) wrote,
Jessica Ariel

ljidol, counterintuitive

Top causes of death for my area and demographic:
1. Unintentional injury
2. Suicide
3. Malignant Neoplasms (cancer)
4. Heart Disease
5. Homicide

Things I spend my time worrying I am going to die from:
1. That brain-eating amoeba someone in Louisiana got from their Neti-pot. No, I don't live in Louisiana. Or use a Neti-pot. But I did, once, months ago, and that means that if I think about it I can feel the bacteria eating my brain like tiny little piranhas. It's tingly.
2. An elevator door closing on me and cutting me in half. Or just snapping off my arm. I cannot be convinced elevator doors don't cut through flesh like lightsabers.
3. Being patient zero in a global pandemic. This would mean both that I won't have enough warning to implement my extensively researched pandemic-survival strategies, and that I'll have my life and activities thoroughly analyzed by the CDC. And they'll eventually determine that I triggered the disease by eating raw cookie dough or something and the world will be like "WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO US?" and my grandmother will be so very disappointed in me because she told me that raw dough was dangerous.
4. Axe murderers. I don't know why they're worse then, say, knife-murderers. But they are.
5. That girl who crawled out of the TV in The Ring. Alternate fear is surviving the tv-girl by showing deathly-video to friends, then having dead friends crawl out of TV for revenge.
6. My electronic appliances achieving sentience. I try to be extra nice to them when I think of it just in case, but deep down I know that if my Macbook had the opportunity to get revenge on me for not buying it the extended care plan, my life would be over.
7. Being trapped in the wrong place during a zombie uprising. Someplace small, without food and water, so I can't stay long-term, but in the center of zombie activity so I know they'll get me as soon as I open the door. Occasionally when I'm in traffic I imagine all the other cars are zombies and try to imagine how long I would last before I have to roll down my windows and embrace the inevitable. I've started to carry a week's supply of water in my back seat.
8. Giant spiders that want to carry me off to a cave and cocoon me alive so they can snack on me later. I'm sure this happens. I saw it in a movie.
9. Explosive depressurization. You know, like what happens in space if someone sets the wrong controls on the airlock, which I think I also saw in a movie. Except I'm fairly sure this can happen to me in elevators. I try to exhale deeply so there isn't air trapped in my lungs, but that only works for 30 seconds or so before I start to turn colors and the other people on the elevator give me funny looks. I tell myself it's ok, because they'd feel dumb if the door opened and we were actually on Mars.
10. Things getting dropped out of airplanes and landing on my head.

The state of my arteries, though, somehow never keeps me up at night.
Tags: lj idol
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