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ljidol, counterintuitive

Top causes of death for my area and demographic:
1. Unintentional injury
2. Suicide
3. Malignant Neoplasms (cancer)
4. Heart Disease
5. Homicide

Things I spend my time worrying I am going to die from:
1. That brain-eating amoeba someone in Louisiana got from their Neti-pot. No, I don't live in Louisiana. Or use a Neti-pot. But I did, once, months ago, and that means that if I think about it I can feel the bacteria eating my brain like tiny little piranhas. It's tingly.
2. An elevator door closing on me and cutting me in half. Or just snapping off my arm. I cannot be convinced elevator doors don't cut through flesh like lightsabers.
3. Being patient zero in a global pandemic. This would mean both that I won't have enough warning to implement my extensively researched pandemic-survival strategies, and that I'll have my life and activities thoroughly analyzed by the CDC. And they'll eventually determine that I triggered the disease by eating raw cookie dough or something and the world will be like "WHY DID YOU DO THIS TO US?" and my grandmother will be so very disappointed in me because she told me that raw dough was dangerous.
4. Axe murderers. I don't know why they're worse then, say, knife-murderers. But they are.
5. That girl who crawled out of the TV in The Ring. Alternate fear is surviving the tv-girl by showing deathly-video to friends, then having dead friends crawl out of TV for revenge.
6. My electronic appliances achieving sentience. I try to be extra nice to them when I think of it just in case, but deep down I know that if my Macbook had the opportunity to get revenge on me for not buying it the extended care plan, my life would be over.
7. Being trapped in the wrong place during a zombie uprising. Someplace small, without food and water, so I can't stay long-term, but in the center of zombie activity so I know they'll get me as soon as I open the door. Occasionally when I'm in traffic I imagine all the other cars are zombies and try to imagine how long I would last before I have to roll down my windows and embrace the inevitable. I've started to carry a week's supply of water in my back seat.
8. Giant spiders that want to carry me off to a cave and cocoon me alive so they can snack on me later. I'm sure this happens. I saw it in a movie.
9. Explosive depressurization. You know, like what happens in space if someone sets the wrong controls on the airlock, which I think I also saw in a movie. Except I'm fairly sure this can happen to me in elevators. I try to exhale deeply so there isn't air trapped in my lungs, but that only works for 30 seconds or so before I start to turn colors and the other people on the elevator give me funny looks. I tell myself it's ok, because they'd feel dumb if the door opened and we were actually on Mars.
10. Things getting dropped out of airplanes and landing on my head.

The state of my arteries, though, somehow never keeps me up at night.



( 43 said to the lesser floods, "Be dry." — say to mountains, "Be ye removed." )
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(Deleted comment)
Jan. 12th, 2012 10:10 pm (UTC)
I think the culmination of all my fears would be the elevators becoming self aware.
(Deleted comment)
Jan. 12th, 2012 10:13 pm (UTC)
It was like the universe decided that it had to make a new 'most unsettling cause of death possible,' just in case we thought it was safe to do anything.
Jan. 9th, 2012 11:30 pm (UTC)
Fabulous entry. BUT THE NETI POT STORY. I will now scour my SinusRinse daily, I swear.
Jan. 12th, 2012 10:15 pm (UTC)
Thanks! I think if I ever had to use one again, it would have to be with distilled water or something. The complete lack of brain-eating amoeba in CT's tap water somehow doesn't reassure me.
Jan. 9th, 2012 11:41 pm (UTC)
I really liked this entry, well done :)
Jan. 12th, 2012 10:16 pm (UTC)
Thank you!
Jan. 10th, 2012 12:19 am (UTC)
Numbers 2, 3, 4, 5, 7, 8, and 10 are all totally true for me, as well. (I'm sure 1 would be if I hadn't needed to google Neti-pot just to figure out what that was about.) The zombies especially though. I figure playing zombie video games has well prepared me for the event that the zombies come. It's too bad there are no video games that prepare one for heart attacks. (Although I suppose all the scares in the zombie games kind of does that...)
Jan. 12th, 2012 10:32 pm (UTC)
I'm surprised public health promoters haven't jumped on that. Maybe someone should design a program that measures your fitness and cholesterol levels, then displays it as the number of zombies you could outrun before going into cardiac arrest.
Jan. 10th, 2012 12:29 am (UTC)
I am so very sorry for laughing, but I did, mostly because I have similar thoughts and mine are never as amusing. You rock.
Jan. 12th, 2012 10:33 pm (UTC)
Thank you. :D
Jan. 10th, 2012 01:47 am (UTC)
hahaha, I can sympathize with some of these fears.
(Deleted comment)
Jan. 12th, 2012 10:38 pm (UTC)
Someone was killed by a door malfunction in NYC recently, and even though it was an impossibly rare thing and caused by specific problem's in that building's system, I see it as evidence that my life-long wariness of closing elevators is totally justified.
Jan. 10th, 2012 03:28 am (UTC)
Sorry but I laughed SO HARD because I have many of the exact same fears. Especially your #8. (Also possibly #3 and #6, but I'm not yet ballsy enough to admit to them out loud yet.)
Jan. 12th, 2012 10:42 pm (UTC)
Sometimes I try to remind myself that someone would have noticed if any giant spiders lived in my area. But then I just imagine that they're very stealthy giant spiders, which doesn't help at all.
(no subject) - frecklestars - Jan. 13th, 2012 05:20 pm (UTC) - Expand
Jan. 10th, 2012 03:33 am (UTC)
Some of these things scare me too. This cracked me up.. but yes, oh yes!
Jan. 10th, 2012 04:23 am (UTC)
Those zombie uprisings are a BITCH!!
Jan. 10th, 2012 04:32 am (UTC)
You only forgot angry, disappearing panes of glass and Vindictive Garbage Disposals, but other than that, I am with you all the way. The world is scary and has far too many ways of killing me built into the source code.
Jan. 12th, 2012 10:49 pm (UTC)
I also forgot escaped killers with hooks for hands who are hiding in my backseat, but that's probably because I only remember them when I am driving at night.
Jan. 10th, 2012 09:01 am (UTC)
I'm another one of the people who laughed. Well, how could I not at the thought of having my grandmother disappointed in me for eating raw cookie dough at the same time the zombie apocalypse is going on?

Now I'm starting to get concerned about my own Macbook. Sunday, you know I love you...
Jan. 12th, 2012 11:00 pm (UTC)
My Macbook is named Caprica. That was probabaly where I went wrong.
Jan. 10th, 2012 02:41 pm (UTC)
This is wonderful! Like many have said, I fret about a lot of these things. I now get to add your #1 to my already fairly extensive list (which, in addition to a lot of yours, includes an irrational fear of air bags and ice skating). I had never heard the netipot story and used one fairly often last winter . . .
Jan. 10th, 2012 04:30 pm (UTC)
This list is amazing. Terrifying, but amazing.

Also, that Neti pot thing, holy fuck. I used a Neti pot once and it was not a good experience and this has made me really never want to do it again.

Giant spiders that want to carry me off to a cave and cocoon me alive so they can snack on me later. I'm sure this happens. I saw it in a movie.

This is what spiders dream of. Every day.
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( 43 said to the lesser floods, "Be dry." — say to mountains, "Be ye removed." )


Jessica Ariel

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